September was a busy month for me kicking off with one of my annual favourites, the SWCTA Dartmoor classic trial. Day 1 - Hound Tor. On arrival at one of these big classic events you might think you’d turned up at a Brylcreem, hair restorer and hair dye convention by mistake. F*** me some of those blokes love themselves, but if you wait and look carefully towards the end of the day you’ll see that underneath will be grey, wrinkled, tubby old fellas desperately trying to hold onto their young image. Not me of course! They give the same grooming to their bikes, and will go to extraordinary lengths and expense to tart them up. The bikes fall into three main categories. 1 - “Bike slappers’ - pimped up, overdressed chavs that everyone’s had a ride on. 2 - ‘the Lady” - a bike that’s been pampered and tastefully restored that looks great for it’s age, and category 3 - “the Gypsy’ - unwashed, windswept but you’d still like to have a ride on it. I’ve had a few ‘gypsies’ in my time but now I rather like riding my old ‘lady’. I’ve never been tempted by a ‘slapper’. The pits of a classic event are infinitely more interesting than that of a modern trial and the amount of money lavished on the machines knows no bounds. If people think that the new Vertical is ridiculously expensive, that figure would be chicken feed at a classic trial. “…but it’s an investment darling…..darling?…” Anyway, when I’d finished my tour of the pits I stopped to give all the West of England members some stick about rudely pushing our club out of the pub we’ve been meeting in for the last 10 years. (I know ….I’ve never had so many people message and text me about what’s gone on, and they just cannot believe that with six other days in a week and at least 1000 pubs in the area, and at least 50 tables in the pub to choose from, etc, etc, ….and as for Mike Gash’s ‘am I bovered?’ in last months gazette - well form your own opinions..!) Rant over, back to the trial. I rode around on my ‘old lady’ Fantic, with Greener on his ‘gypsy’ TLR Honda and we had a right laugh. The sections were perfect, just tricky enough and with plenty of scope to have a few slack dabs. Day 2 - The Grover. This venue was even better, the sections were tougher, longer and there were more of them - which tested my concentration beyond it’s limits. A brilliant weekend of classic trials and a credit to the SWCTA club. I do think that they should look at the environmental implications of riding in the rivers though - what if one of those ‘enhanced’ riders fell in the water with all that hair dye and fake tan on. It doesn’t bear thinking about! Imagine the colour of the sea down at Teignmouth. The following week it was a change of bike for me to my XR250 and off up to Yeo Vale for their ‘Trail and Enduro bike ‘ trial. The club had made a tremendous effort and had laid out a brilliant set of sections, special test and long ride around as well. I rode the trial with top drawer Yeo Vale enduro star ‘Mark from trials’ (Robber). I must admit that when we started he had me worried, pulling off some stylish cleans to put me under pressure. I kept my cool though and it wasn’t long before he was picking fir cones out of his teeth. I somehow managed to put in a half decent ride for a change - and through gritted teeth, club big cheese Lee Wiggins begrudgingly shook my hand and slowly released his grip on the trophy. Hopefully the event will grow and grow as it’s a right laugh riding a trial on one of those well upholstered ‘lady bikes’. My final outing was an unusual one. My wife and I were invited to a proper ‘come dine with me’ experience. Channel 4 are setting up the latest series, and we were invited to a pilot episode to test the public reaction - the twist being it was in a caravan. The best bit being that Roger Barnes and his wife Ange were the hosts! The evening started with a well executed G and T whilst we relaxed at the beautifully laid table in the awning. The starter was an extraordinary feat considering we were al fresco, chicken, chorizo balls and cherry tomato skewers cooked on a portable rotary kebab grill. Main course was rib eye steak, grilled mushroom stuffed with stilton, and sautéed potatoes. Pudding was fresh raspberry pavlova knocked up by Rog while we waited. Each course had the correct accompanying wine and the dinner was topped off with port, a cheese board and chocolate truffles. My wife and I were well impressed, but we did have to pick them up on a couple of points that need addressing before the programme goes out. The butter for the cheese and biscuits was brought to the table in the packet, and ‘The Red Room’ in the caravan remained locked. All in all though we wish Roger and Ange all the best in their quest to be show champions. Finally, I’ve worked out where all the experts have gone at club trials. I was sort of right when I said ‘are they scared or something?’ …well they are, scared of being beaten by the 13 year old Billy Green. They are however still riding road trials! See you soon. Jones